Are we all ready sir? The DJ waiter. Beams the start of his show. For what exactly? Nonplussed look. Oh never mind.  My name is Gavin and I’ll be your waiter for this evening. Oh god, if you must .  


Would sir like to see the specials board? No but too late. The dj sings his way through carnivore world. A single veggie option. Cannelloni. Salad instead of the chips please.  I’ll just check if we can do that for you sir. How hard can it possibly be. Salad instead of chips. Staff bloody training. He re-enters stage left. No problem sir. Of course it bloody isn't.  


Can I just clear these for you? The second wine glass, the starter cutlery, the wine list. For me? Really? How kind. He hoovers up the menus. Announcing his intentions. I'll just take your order through to the chef sir. The chef? Really? Well thank god for that. I'm honoured. 


How is everything with your meal sir? As if he gives an onion ring. Fine, wonderful, thank you. Until you interrupted. The performance clearly intended to detract  attention from the food. Which is rubbish. Some mayo please. I'll just get that for you sir. No problem. See above. 


Have we all finished? I’m on my bloody own. Yes thank you. Then I’ll just clear away for you. For me? I'm honoured. No problem sir. Oh god.


Our desert menu, sir? Too late again. This evening we have… . I let him prattle on. And on the show tonight…. As if I give a profiterole. Coffee? Liqueur? A small cappuccino. No problem. Would you like sprinkles? I'll give you sprinkles. I may scream. 


Can I have the bill please? No one hears. Eye contact has become a bit of a challenge. Gavin is performing elsewhere. I won't give a tip. He’s giving his all. Eventually, the universal hand gesture acknowledged. Paying by card sir? Certainly sir. No problem sir. Of course it isn’t a bloody …….


GMJ October 2016


DJ Waiter